News Corp Australia columnist and TV star Andrew Bolt has won The Bug's Media Glass House Arselicker for the Month of April award.
Our panel of judges was in total awe of the ringmastery of Bolt, who almost unbelievably has never been a previous winner of The Bug's most uncoveted award.
"Rupert Murdoch and Lachlan Murdoch wouldn't have needed to take a shit for a week after Bolt's ferocious licking frenzy," one senior judge said. "His coit-cleaning was of such force that it created a vacuum that sucked both men's digestive systems as clean as a whistle, as Bill Lawry would say. Even their throats were sore.
"But it was not just the arselicking at its finest. Bolt's effort was sprinkled with top-shelf humour and delicious irony with a dollop of hyperbole."
Our judge was referring to Bolt's recent column in Murdoch turdbloids including the Herald Sun and The Daily Telegraph (above) in which the nation's most read columnist wrung his hands trying to find a valid reason why Lachlan Murdoch had sacked Tucker Carlson, Fox News's most popular presenter.
Before we get to the nitty gritty behind Bolt's award, let's just spare a moment for his hyperbolic arse spray at the beginning about how Carlson's sacking stunning the entire media world. By luck or design, Rupert Murdoch's own special rancid coil of "journalism" has never been dumped on a vast number of lucky countries (God bless New Zealand!). The vast majority of the world's media couldn't give a flying fuck about Carlson's demise. Only a brownnoser like Bolt sees it as a world-shattering event; just another distorted view he's paid exceptionally well to push whether he squats in front of a terminal or a camera.
And as to Carlson's demise? The reality is that if Newscorpse and Fox News were actual news organisations, Carlson wouldn't have got a job in the first place. The guy's not a journalist's arsewipe. He got the gig and rose to be paid-TV's biggest "news" commentator in America because he wouldn't know the basic tenets of journalism if they bit him on the arse. It's why the Murdochs loved him .... until they didn't.
From the outset, Bolt attacks the "jeering" celebrations on the left over Carlson's exit, including The View panel but he quickly mentions that in Carlson's corner are two of the world's finest and most decent, clear-thinking and care-giving of folk, Steve Bannon and President Donald J. Trump. (Who wouldn't want them as referees on a CV, right?)
Bolt admits that Carlson was indeed a crusader who "would sometimes push wild conspiracy theories". But he didn't buy into that "presidential election was stolen" malarkey. No, siree, Bob. Might not have denounced it; just didn't believe it. (If he had spoken up, he might have gone earlier!)
Bolt then suggests that Carlson might have been sacked because he implied the US was helping corrupt Ukraine with biological weapons, even nuclear weapons, a theory even Bolt wrote was "frankly crap".
"Be clear. I'm just speculating that Carlson's rant on Ukraine was the last straw. It's not been confirmed to me although I know Lachlan Murdoch has good relations with Ukraine's president.
What a know-all, eh? Who knew that he knew who Lachlan knew! And how about that little nod to Lachy's enormously wide circle. Of friends, we mean. Not his arse after Bolt's finished with it.
Okay, so as we move on to the sections of the column where Bolt really nailed this award, let's pause and image him sitting at his office desk in Melbourne and waiting for things to be confirmed to him! Oh, the power, the supreme arrogance, of the man.
"You might ask why tough action wasn't taken earlier to make Fox News hosts sing in tune," Bolt writes. Here comes the award-winning bits now. Ready? Some of you might need to get a bucket. Can you feel that Bolt tongue starting to tremble in anticipation of sphincter-spiking pleasures to come?
"But the Murdoch media under Rupert and Lachlan has always had one supreme virtue I've admired and enjoyed."
A supreme virtue!!! Something Bolt has admired and enjoyed! Double tongue twist with pike. The Murdochs' tummies start to rumble as the shit is sucked south.
"Murdoch presenters and journalist get lots of freedom to say what they think." (Both right wing and far-right wing views are tolerated).
Reverse tongue twirl with tongue tip flick.
"That's why there's more difference of opinion on Sky News and this newspaper then on the ABC." (The ABC largely employs journalists whose job is straight reporting. Columnists who push their own opinions are the exception rather than the rule and quite rightly cop a lot of flak if they swing too far off centre).
Still! Staccato tongue darts and lip purses; degree of difficulty 2.4
"But the message is now out. If you threaten your station or your newspaper by going nuts, know this: you are never bigger than the organisation that made you!" (If the Murdochs are now going after nutters, how come Sky News still exists here? How come Rowan Dean wasn't spotted down at Centre Link with his arse hanging out of his daks ages ago?)
Slurrrrp! Rinse, spit and repeat. Job done!
The bottom line? (Sorry about that!)
Carlson finally went nuts - a salutary lesson for all those commentators and columnists employed at Sky Views and Newcorpse papers.
And the lesson for them out of all this? By all means, continue to employ the usual wokescreens to hide your lack of writing talent.
Rage at the latte-licking city elites as you peddle half-baked, fact-free, nutty, fringe views and conspiracy theories to your audience of cookers, proud boys, climate-change denialists, creationists and other religious nutjobs, and divers mental midgets, especially the brainless supporters of the Tangarine Shitgibbon who's bringing the US of A to its knees.
By all means continue to appeal to all those mentioned above; a motley collection of mindless morons that the Murdochs proudly call their readership/viewer base. (The one that brings in the cash!).
But now all those commentators and columnists need to be aware! There is a line of insanity that must not be crossed!
Unless, perhaps you're the nation's most-read columnist.
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