All-New Subaru Impreza – Wash, Rinse, repeat

gaycarboys - Alan Zurvas

February 19

Subaru has released its all-new Impreza, as if it is a gift, so I guess that makes it an Im-PRESSIE-a.

After that appalling attempt at infantile pun-isms (yes, a new word), we move to Subaru's shiny new small family car. It might seem brave to bring out a new passenger car in a sector that is all but dead, but life without a little Scoob just isn't worth living, or is it?

The looks and oily bits:

Subaru shoved the "proven" 115kw/196Nm flat 4 into a strangely familiar bo-dayyyyyy. The "proven" engine is code for one from the parts bin, the one they got the head and tail lights from. Clever to use bits you have already, it saves on inventing new ones.

Every Subaru, except the one developed with Toyota, has a CVT. That is, of course, unless you count the electric model also shared with Toyota (and Lexus), which has no gearbox, period. This CVT impersonates an 8-speed automatic, so why not just put in an 8-speed automatic? Although it is one of the best CVTs in the business, just, why?

Is it just my imagination, or does that bo-dayyyyy look vaguely like the last Holden Astra, a defunct model from a company which rode into the automotive sunset last decade?

The little dart shape slinks up to a pert rump, a cheeky look that matches perfectly, the scarpering chav who imagines he has stolen a WRX. That's the thing about Subaru, it is a badge that basks happily in the glow of track and rally fame won by WRX and STI. WRX's reputation as a butch, tattooed, cap-wearing hottie, casts that cred over a range of humble runabouts despite WRX being spun off as a separate model.

The gays in the village have a strange attraction to be-capped hotties, so have been fond of Subaru since the nameplate was in nappies. Impreza should also sufficiently impress, with its customary grip on quality and value, even if the look is so conservative that no amount of WRX branding would ever make butch.

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Inside:

The cabin is replete with the latest Scoobalishus safety gear and infotainment system, and a tastily Japan-esque set of seats. Sure, the dash is pretty damned familiar, but it is one that has a bit of every current Subaru in it, and since we like that, we'll like this too.

It looks comfy enough, and every Subaru wants to cajole its owner into the snowy wilderness of an adventure in deep winter Alpine country. I'd do it willingly, from the maternal cradle of Impreza's bosom.

Sundry Stuff:

The AWD is symmetrical, which apparently matters, and the required petrol is the cheap 91ron stuff. To calculate the possible range, I divided the contents of its smallish 50L tank by 7.5, the number of litres per 100 kilometres. The answer is: 666.666667 kms. Good thing I'm not Catholic, or indeed religious of any other brand.

There is a rather sophisticated MacPhersons up front, and a gorgeous set of double wishbones at the rear. This Impreza might well be a suitable candidate for continental crossings in a single bound, or at least one divided into Damien-esque 666.666667km sections.

Ah well, if you want one, you have a choice of 3 imaginatively named levels: 2.0L, 2.0R, and 2.0S. The prices range from $31,490 for the pov pack. Although the press release didn't reveal the cost involved in wrangling a range topper, but it has a Harman Kardon sound system secured therein.

We've seen all of this before, and we liked it. The all new Impreza will not set the world on fire, but it doesn't have to.